[satire] The Genius Behind Anti-Vaxxers


Megan Mannelly, Managing Editor

The threat of the delta variant of COVID looms over all of our heads. Some, more reasonable people have received the vaccine in order to protect themselves against this deadly virus, but others, like Mr. and Mrs. Doe have turned to alternative solutions.

“I heard on the Facebooks that the vaccine is a way for the Gov’ment to spy on yah.” Stated John Doe, an anti-vaxxer and Illuminati conspiracy theorist. “They gunna take our rights m’kay. First our rights then our guns, m’kay. All from this mother-heckin’ ‘vaccine’.” He continued with a fiery tone. “I don’t trust the… ‘doctors’. I don’t care if they ‘have studied medicine for eight years’ or ‘have a MD’ whatever that is. I know more than them. I did research.” According to John Doe, his research consisted of looking at google webpages such as “WhyAliensCreatedtheVaccine.net” and “Christsaysnotovaccinesjustdiealready.com.” “They had very convincin’’ pictures.” He continued, pointing at a picture of a poorly photoshopped Alien holding the vaccine for COVID-19. 

Upon further questioning, the man became almost irate, “You leftist’s were sent by the gov’ment to give me the vaccine!” He screamed, turning almost hysterical. “Well, jokes on you, snowflakes, imma trust Facebook. It has real good pictures n I know that I cannot die. I just ain’t gunna.” 

Unfortunately, John Doe was admitted to the ICU after catching Covid. He passed later that week. 

Due to the heartbreaking passing of John Doe, we had to find yet another interviewee. So, to the social media we went, looking for a biased candidate who could answer our burning questions on the vaccination.

That is where we met Jane Doe, a thirty seven year old woman in the suburbs of Arizona. “I just dont think it’s real.” She explains while wearing a Scientology necklace. “I mean, how could they get the vaccine done in so little time?” She continues with a knowing tone. “I am an educated woman. I have a doctorate in mystical science, so I know the ins and outs of… science stuff.” Jane Doe is an advocate of the neighborhood’s Anti-Vaxx group and is in the PTO of her children’s middle school. “I am a mother of three beautiful babies, I live, laugh, and love all the way. ” Living, Laughing, and Loving is exactly what Jane Doe’s children are doing, all of them completely unvaccinated. “I read this really really really good report that says that getting vaccinated changes your DNA (pronounced Dina) and makes you less smarter.” She said, crossing her arms. “Plus, all of the people who got vaccinated back in 1900 are dead now. So, obviously, not going to risk it.” 

While this mentality of safety is alright for some things, it isn’t okay to think this way about a medical practice approved by the WHO. “You trust the WHO? They got a cryptic name. I bet they’re all a bunch of witches.” Said Jane Doe after we informed her about their thoughts on the vaccine. “There is no way that I will ever let my children get vaccinated. It is unsafe and they might catch something.” 

In all reality, 99.2 percent of covid deaths are unvaccinated. Trust the science and work that went into creating the vaccine and be safe.